Oh hey everybody. A while back, I wrote an article about my reasons for doing martial arts. Typically, I use the terms “martial arts” and “combat sports” interchangeably. However, most people associate the term “combat sports” with specific types of martial arts, such as Muay Thai, Boxing, Wrestling, Jiu Jitsu, MMA, etc. which are the types of martial arts that I prefer to practice. Heck, the gym I go to even has “Combat Sports” in its name. Now, as most of you know, I am a huge advocate of Martial Arts/Combat Sports/Fighty-Fight Stuff, but I also realize it’s not for everyone. So, with tongue firmly in cheek, I wrote down some totally legit and perfectly logical reasons to NOT do combat sports.
1. It’s Totally Gross
In combat sports, people sweat and breathe all over each other. This is true in striking disciplines such as Boxing and Muay Thai, but it is especially true in the grappling arts, such as Wrestling and Jiu Jitsu. In fact, in the grappling arts, it’s also very likely that unwanted saliva or mucus from your partner could become involved in the festivities. In fact, the only thing more gross than the grappling arts is MMA, which combines the grossest aspects of striking and grappling into one. And to make it worse, at least in jiu Jitsu you have a gi or a rashguard. Have you watched MMA? Those guys only wear shorts. Sometimes tight fitting compression shorts or even things that closely resemble speedos. And you have to train in these conditions pretty regularly to gain any proficiency. It is a scientific FACT that the human immune system was not meant to handle this level of exposure to cooties. Your best bet is to stay at home and wear a mask or three. On top of the fact that you will no doubt get cooties from the breath, sweat and other probable bodily discharges, we haven’t even addressed the smell of combat sports. Think gyms smell nice? Think people smell pretty during or after a workout? Think again! Go sniff a dirty laundry hamper and tell me I’m wrong. Combat sports = disgusting, and anyone who wants to be a fighter is clearly a cootie-loving sicko.
2. Potential For Injury
This should be pretty obvious. In combat sports, the objective is to control the other person through violence. Not through intellectual discourse or therapeutic massage or copious drug use, but through violence. Sure, proponents of Combat Sports may assure you that there are rules and referees and guidelines and such to minimize injury, but you’re still going to get hurt. If you study a grappling art you will get cauliflower ear and you will no longer be able to fit earbuds into your ears for music-listening. You may have to get big, bulky, unfashionable old school looking headphones that just aren’t as cool. I don’t care if Dr. Dre makes them or not, wearing big stupid things on your head isn’t cool. Unless it’s a hat, but even then, most hats are dumb. You will also be pretty bruised up regularly from combat sports. If you get a bruise on one eye but not the other, people will think that you are either stupid or lazy for wearing eyeshadow on one eye but not the other. If you are covered in bruises all the time, some people will think that they are heroin track marks and that you are a user. Be smart and inject between the toes instead of on your arms or legs or – whoops, wrong blog.
3. Not Real Self Defense
People who do combat sports think they are soooo tough just because they workout all the time and try to punch and strangle each other. But at the end of the day, it’s just a sport, and all sports have rules. But a street fight has no rules! You can’t just tap out in a street fight. There’s no ref to break it up when you’re done. There are no time limits or weight classes in the real world either, how are you going to be prepared to fight a midget if all you do is train in MMA? Exactly. You can’t. And that’s why combat sports are basically useless for self-defense. Besides, if some Jiu Jitsu guy decided to lay down on me in real life, I would just stand back up. Duh. Your best bet is to not waste your time training, because there’s no way getting punched in the face in a controlled environment will prepare you for a real fight. Here are some better alternatives:
1) Learn to channel your chi energy. If you can do this in a street fight then you’ll be okay. Chi energy is just basically spiritual energy and everyone knows spirituality trumps physicality any day.
2) Carry a rape whistle. If you are ever attacked, just blow it and people will come running to save you.
3) Carry a dog whistle. If you are ever attacked, just blow it and a bunch of cute, cuddly dogs will come to save you.
4) Just call the cops. Everyone knows that if you are attacked, the police will totally get there in time to protect you, and not a moment after the fact.
5) Fake a heart attack. Even if you are totally young and healthy. No bad guy wants to attack someone who’s already being attacked by their own heart. It’s just embarrassing and their criminal buddies would make fun of them. Big facts.
6) Disarm your would-be attackers with the power of song. Everyone knows that music brings people together. Just sing your favorite song at your would-be attacker. If you have a good voice, surely they will be moved by your performance, and maybe even inspired to quit their evil ways. But if you have a shitty singing voice… well… I laid out 5 other options you could use.
I hope you’ve learned some valuable insight from this well researched and thought out article that I totally didn’t just write on a whim. Breathe well my friends, and happy training.